Back o' the Year

"Ho,Ho,Ho this Santa" I let him have a full clip. The air strike would take care of the Elves, and as for Rudolf, well Christmas is a bad time to be reindeer steak on the hoof. I watched the red dot dance on his forehead, just like his nose but smaller, and unfortunately for Rudolf hugely lethal. That was an extract from my screenplay treatment of Dicken's "A Christmas Carol", Arnie has been approached to play Ebeneezer Scrooge, who, in this version is a man seeking redemption for the death of his family following a lethal christmas cracker terrorist attack. Santa is cast as an Al Queda operative, well he was seen with a large sack, behaving suspiciously and flying in a restricted zone. If only ,,,,

As if the close season wasn't bad enough we must endure the anachronistic rituals and symbolism of the Humbug season. I will be celebrating the solstice in true Pagan style by daubing myself in marmalade and dancing naked round a burning yule log while playing my bongo's. Though after last years court appearance I wont be doing it outside Tescos anymore. So here we are in the bleak close season. The Dinner Dance is a few days away and after that its the long haul through the cold and the dark, with only the comfort of sitting in the shed tinkering with your parts. So lets celebrate the years passing with our very own "Back O' the Grid - Sports review of the Year"

The BOTG "Homer Simpson" award candidates are. Fish - for falling off at the start of a practice session at Cadwell. Liam for double filling his gearbox, we can stop the video now, again at Cadwell. Nick "Shorthouse" who in true 'Jackass' style decided to see what it was like to use his head as a launch ramp. Sophie, the envelope please ,,,, and the winner is Len Whalin, who completely underestimated the effects of one of my "afterburners" on the functioning of the central nervous system, or rather its non functioning. My DOH! moment was discovering that my Croix prang had knocked the front wheel out by a couple of inches. Alas it took me till after the Brands GP meet to discover this. Well actually it was a big boy who can do joined up sums that pointed it out.

And so on to the premier award of the season, no, its not best performance or anything remotely big or clever with a bike. Its the "Best cup of coffee" award. The nominations are me at Brands GP, the look on Daz's face as he had that first sip said it all, one of those cups. Me, again, at Cadwell, Bally claimed it was worth 3 seconds a lap and me at Lydden, well I enjoyed it. Beyonce, the envelope please,,,, and the winner is Lin who actually made me a cup of coffee and by using a full jar almost made it strong enough. High point of the year for me - just too many to pick a favourite from and thats surely the sign of a good season.But if you were to ask nicely, ok then, it was watching Andy Shaw run wide out of turn 3 last lap, last race at Croix and I took full advantage.

Funniest moment was putting a rather desperate outbraking manouvre on Pastry at Cadwell. I out braked us both and the only reason I made it stick was by taking the Priddle "line" through Park, which is pretty much the same as the elbow at Lydden. My lap times picked up this year and I finally got rid of the stabalisers. Alas this improvement didnt translate into many results, but that is due to the leap in race pace we have seen this year. You'll forgive me if I hope it doesnt happen again next year.

Scariest moment of the year was off track. At the last Brands meet Fish had a look at the results and started telling me I could take the two who finished in front of me for starters. I watched as his face transformed itself into full on race mode, and it was so scary I'm glad its normally hidden under a helmet. I felt I should go and claim back the pink tutu of shame from Monkey Boy. Fish looked like a man who spits in the eye of danger, who confronts fear on a regular basis, or at least as often as Sharon offers to cook. After seeing that I'll be happy to accept a dinner invite from Hannibal Lecter, something I'm sure Sharon will now be happy to arrange.

Daz will not be racing next year but the Mowatt household will still be taking part. In the chair for David Blunkett, who is looking for a new career, will be Floyd. Apparently its one bark for left, and two for right. Initial testing at a top secret location did reveal the limitations of this system, especially in braking. Sabotage was suspected when it was found that someone had scattered chocolate wafer biscuits around the track. BOTG sought comment from Tony Blair's press office, but they responded by saying that they were about to "Have a break ,,,,

This is George Watson, for Back O' the Grid, wishing you all a peacefull and prosperous Solstice. See you all in March, when the fun begins all over again.

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