Brands Indy

You thrilled to the heroism of the "Magnificent Seven" and cheered the daring exploits of the "Dirty Dozen." Now gasp at the wonderous antics of the "Awesome Eight." Cue Dambusters music ,,, dah da da da da dadah,,,,,

It was a dirty job but somebody had to do it. I reported to Squadron HQ, code name "Brands." It was there I met the other chaps in the unit and got a close look at the ropey old crates we were expected to use for the mission. It would be a risky sortie, but vital to the outcome of the conflict. Some would be lucky to get through the mission practice runs. Pat "Wings" Herron forgot to lower his landing gear and pranged his kite.

So it was that 8 of us lined up on the our first sortie on a clear and cold Oct morning. The reds went out and you can guess what happened next. From the second row I went backwards, I'm sure a bit of tumbleweed passed me through Paddock. I struggled round, unable to get my foot back onto the peg after changing gear. Just like Everton I have only one good foot, the other, well its only good enough to make up a pair. As a consequence my left boot was geting a pounding through Graham Hill and Surtees, by the last lap I was down to my sock. Fortunately my nails needed a trim and I should have changed those socks at the start of the month anyway. Would someone explain to me how this works I was ragged all the way round and set a new PB of 58.7 or did my transponder switch to GMT halfway round ,,,,

"Beware the Hun in the Sun" award goes to Mark "Red Baron" Legg. Had I been in a FW190 and he in a Spitfire I could have forgiven the stunt he pulled into Druids. No mirror, no indicator and no rear observation. How he ever passed flight school is a mystery, you'd have thought it was a race or something ,,,, Race two was a reverse grid and I was so far up the grid I was getting nosebleeds, thanks to Big Bird for the tissues. So there I was, gentle reader, on pole position, or as it felt to me, my position was getting the pole. I'm sure I saw Dave "Fokker 50" sniggering on the start line. His nickname coming from his racing days when it was generally held that it was 50/50 the Fokker would stay on.

So the lights went out, I finished my coffee, put out my fag and set off in pursuit. I was using a "Rangi" tip passed on by Adam "Tally Ho" Cole to just leave it in third out of druids and ring its neck instead of short shifting to fourth. This I duly did, tho a word or phrase to the effect that I should brake or roll off prior to G Hill would have been just as usefull. It was about this time that I really, really hoped Jesus does indeed love me. It all looked like it was going to go pear shaped on me as I powered through as gingerly as I dare. The back end, in protest at all this, stepped out then griped, giving me a little kick in the tail for my silliness. By this point I was chasing Barry "Heinz" Negus ( "Heinz" cos I was constantly trying to Ketchup ) and Andy "Mad Cow" Wheeler. I'd reel them in till clearways and then lose it all through there. You may as well have called the apex to Clearways the "G-spot" for all the chance I had of finding it.

Sat night and the half empty paddock was very quiet. So much so that by 10:30 I had finished my Ovaltine and was in my Captain Kirk Jim-jams tucked up with "Mr Woppit". Sunday morning and Rangi "Oi mate. you got a sista?" turned up to act as team boss and cameraman. Team "LuftGruppenfuhrer" would have been more accurate. He wouldnt let me even take off my tyre warmers until the Minitwins were on lap 4, lest they go cold. I dont think he realised who he was dealing with ,,,, I could probably get away with using a pair of matching scarves as tyre warmers.

This time we lined up, again, in reverse order. However I was to be given a ten second start, then each subsequent row at 7 second intervals all the way back to A "Lofty" J starting 42 seconds after me. So I can honestly say that I have led a YPM race for 6 laps. I did keep hoping to see the chequered flag but it stayed put till ten laps had been run. By which time AJ had won setting a lap time of 54.03 before getting caught up with Barry at Druids. My race ended on lap 7 when my chain snapped out of Graham Hill giving Adam a nasty moment as it came straight for him. I managed to roll to the exit road and after cadging a fag from the recovery van driver sat and watched the Mz's tear round - each sounding like a sheep suffering from terminal flatulence.

Mark Legg redeemed himself and lent me a spare chain to get me out for race two. Same format and finally I managed to get a line through Clearways that worked and I was on a best lap of 58.7 pipped to the line by Adam after a four way sprint to the line finishing 7th. I dont care if I dont get to keep the 25 points I shoplifted at the weekend it was a hugely enjoyable and truly memorable weekend. We all shook hands and acknowledged each other on the slow down lap waving and applauding the Marshalls. Applause to for Dave and Bernie whose tenure with Bemsee is coming to a close. I'm sure I speak for all the YPM's when I say simply "Thank You". A sentiment echoed by everyone there at the weekend. Not even a duff alternator on my van followed by a three hour wait to be recovered by "Bumblefuck Breakdowns" could put a dent in my smile. While I waited I amused myself by texting Fish and making jokes about Sharons cooking. Sunday dinner was two bowls of cheerios at which point I would gladly have tucked into a platefull of Sharon's "Hedgehog Pie". Complete with her special "George" gravy - a delightfull blend of ground glass, cyanide and industrial strength laxitive. You know I'm only joking Sharon ,,, and if that was you in the green escort this morning ,,, you missed ,,,, ;o)

This is George Watson, for Back to Front of the Grid, Brands Hatch. Look out for "Return of the Awesome Eight" coming soon to a cinema near you ,,, See you all at Lydden.

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