Brands GP

I snapped awake in a cold sweat relieved the nightmare was over. It was a cunning plot by the agents of G.I.N.G.E.R. (Ginger International Network for the Global Expansion of Redheadism) Set in the year 2025, gingers had completely overtaken the rest of the population. I, as the last non-ginger, had found myself like Charlton Heston in "Planet of the Apes" on my knees in front of the GINGER HQ pounding the ground and shouting "Damn you all to Hell".

The reason for all this was the wild ride my imagination had embarked on since I had found out that our very own "Ginger" Steve 'Pastry' Thomas had found himself a part time job. I'll spare you the details but lets just say he's gone pro in a field where most of us are only amateurs. At 25 quid a time he has also found a job thats worth a wank. This does raise some intriging questions about his sponsors for next year and the livery of his bike. I'll draw a veil over this now but it is rumoured that he will have either "Paid to come first" or "I won the cup" on his tank. My imagination, on overtime, had visions of 20 years from now to a YPM grid full of Pastrie's 'Pasties' and a world gone, if not dayglo, then a very reddish hue. Mrs Pastry refused to comment on all this and remained tight lipped all weekend.

I arrived on Thursday at 3 and joined Rangi in the queue. Rangi was going to act as gun camera #1 in practice. He also offered to tail me for a couple of laps to see where I was losing time. His assesment of my ride was laced with typical Aussie humour when he said he's seen washing hanging on better lines. In mitigation of my 'ropey' performance I had discovered that 6 cups of my morning java are not a viable substitute for sleep, having had a dreadfull night previously I had "Gandalf the Shiny" perking it out as fast as it could and all I succeded in doing was making myself ill. I begin to understand why you earthlings struggle with one cup. However Friday practice did enable me to get my gearing sorted and highlight that my brakes needed some TLC, chain lube n pads dont mix no matter how fast you wash the lube off. I had meant to give my pads one last squirt with some brake cleaner prior to assembly but had grabbed the wrong tin - we'll stop the video there and you can guess the rest.

Sat morning practice and everything seemed to click, all my lines cleaned up and the brakes were working a treat. Race one and the title showdown between Tyler "Streaky" Bacon and Doug "Wolfman" Howell spluttered into a "fasle start" as Doug's clutch destroyed itself and thus ruling out any chance he had of taking the title. Commiserations to Doug </fx hearty round of applause /fx> and "Congratulations" to Tyler </ fx Champagne corks,, streamers and baloons /fx> It was the fastest and hardest fought for Championship I have seen since I started racing, even if all I saw of it was when Doug and Tyler would give a cheery wave as they lapped me. Each of them indicating as they passed that they were #1

My race was a good deal more humble but without all that pressure I was able to have a laugh as I skelped round with the other back markers. I even laughed off an attack by an agent of "ginger" when Dan Shepherd tried to torpedo me into Westfield after a truly desperate dive up the inside. On the plus side when he repeated the mistake in race two he took Andy Shaw wide allowing me back in front and we scrapped to the line Andy taking me out of Sterlings to pip me to the flag.

I got back to team HQ with a grin on my face you couldnt shift with an estimated 'Leccy bill'. Sat evening was party time in the paddock, after a slap up tea and a much needed shower I drifted over, with Purple Pete, Fred and Mallory to watch the band run through a set of standard rock n blues classics. I bumped into them while they were seting up and was delighted to discover they hadnt heard my drummer jokes e.g "How can you tell if there's a drummer at the door?" - the knocking speeds up ,,,, boom boom ,,, I thank you ,,,,,, Easily one of the best nights I've had round the paddock. The sight of Daz being upstaged by a naked guy in a gimp mask is one I am hoping therapy may help with ,,,

Race one and probably my worst start ever. I have never been truly comfy with starts, the idea of 40 bikes all aiming for that one spot of tarmac is far too "long trousers" for me. However this was so bad I considered I should get orange lights fitted and act as safety car for the first lap. I saw myself more as race prefect "tidy it up there Jones minor ,,, Smythe-Brown, get that bike washed". I think the reason was that I hadnt finished my fag before the lights went out - took me most of the warm up lap to get it lit as well ,,,,, as for my coffee that leapt off the tank at Surtees. Which was the smart thing to do as it turns out.

I outbraked myself into Druids, manged to get it turned but then compounded my mistake by getting on the gas way too early and found myself road testing my new Beriks. A test they have utterly failed, my £50 ebay Teknics took three bigger hits before I gave them to Rab Rankin who then road tested them for himself and they are still fine. Invoking my "One Crash per day" rule I took the rest of Sunday off and did a little filming for our 06 race dvd.

I aim to put together a dvd of our exploits together for Lydden. This will simply be raw footage, but I will be putting together a more polished version including a little montage of the years best bits - well the best bits I caught on tape for the year end. At the time of writting we have a grid offer at Brands on the 7/8th. So if that comes off I'll have seen you all there. If not I'll be lapping up the sun in Portugal watching Hayden kick Rossi's butt for the non-YPM title. Thereafter we have Lydden and the end of year slap up tea n scones fest. Later there will be a "disco" in the main marquee where Fish will be dj'ing and playing a selection from Reggie Hammond does James Last - played backwards and at double speed for all you young things. I will be hosting the "Geriatric Chill Zone" - good sounds and lots of JD, those under 40 please bring a note from your mum. Those under 20 please bring your mum ;o)

This is George Watson for "Back O' the Grid" Realising if I could rehydrate the euro mountain of kleenex man size under my bed I could save the world from the fiendish clutches of GINGER ,,,, the real "Red Menace" ,,,, see you all at Lydden for another shot.

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